


From Me to You

by smallsthehero



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 15:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13251576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallsthehero/pseuds/smallsthehero
Summary: Feeling lonely and lost on Life Day, Kylo Ren reaches out to Rey via the Force connection one last time.





	From Me to You

          Cold. He was cold. Usually it didn’t bother him or he just didn’t think about it. Today, however, as Kylo Ren looked out the window of his ship it was all he could think about. His dark eyes scanned the vast, star-lit void spread out before him. Space was so empty, so cold. His ship, though full of bodies in constant states of activity was also cold. Why did everything around him have to be so cold?

          It had occurred to him why these thoughts would plague him on today of all days. He had seen what day it was when he was checking the readings on the monitor for progress reports. Today was Life Day.

When he was young it was a day of family, joy, and most importantly, warmth. The warmth of the planet Kashyyyk where he would go with his mother, father, and Uncle Luke to visit Chewie’s family. The warmth of the fire they would huddle around as his mother sang to them. The warmth of his parents’ and uncle’s arms as they hugged him and gave him words of love.

He struggled to push those feelings away. It was weakness and foolishness, all of it. There was no room in this new world for such sentiments. His father and uncle were gone, Chewbacca hated him, and he had no idea where his mother was or if she was even alive. But for the greater part of the day it continued to eat away at him.

More annoying still, the day had made him think unwillingly of Rey. Since her rejection of him he had done his best to avoid thinking of her altogether with minimal success. Even though he had vowed to destroy her, he knew deep down that these were just empty words spoken in the heat of the moment. After all, she had been at his mercy once before, looking up at him with those pleading eyes as she whispered his name. He had not killed her then and he was sure he would not be able to kill her if he had the chance again.

It angered him. He had offered her everything and she rejected him. She had gone off with the Resistance, leaving him with nothing. He should hate her and be burning with the desire to kill her. When he thought of her though, he felt a warmth in his chest. It was the only warmth he ever felt anymore. And he remembered her physical warmth that he had experienced when they touched hands. To him, she was like the epitome of everything warm and gentle.

Kylo tightened his hands behind his back. This was not how the new Supreme Leader of the galaxy should be feeling. He had to learn how to close himself off to these thoughts if he was ever going to get anywhere. Long ago he had thought that he’d mastered it but things kept happening to prove him wrong.

 _“You have too much of your father’s_ _heart_ ,” he heard Snoke’s voice echo in his mind. Even though he hated to admit it, the statement was true. Maybe it didn’t matter how hard he fought against it or how much he tried to become the monster Rey thought he was. It could be he would just have to work around it in order to rule the galaxy.

“Supreme Leader,” he heard General Hux’s voice ring out from behind him. Reluctantly, he turned away from the window to look with disdain at his general. The red-haired man, as always, did not look happy to see him either. In fact, every time he called Kylo “Supreme Leader” he got a look on his face as though he wanted to vomit.

“What is it, General?” Kylo asked wearily. The sooner Hux left him, the happier he would be.

Hux continued to grimace as he gave his recent report on their latest reconnaissance mission. So far, the remaining Resistance members seemed to be scattered and were proving difficult to fully wipe out. Since the battle on Crait, the last few rebels had escaped on the Millennium Falcon with Rey and disappeared completely somewhere in the galaxy. However, despite their low numbers there were attacks on First Order battalions happening on several different planets. Hux guessed that they had sent out a distress signal to their allies before fleeing, causing this civil unrest.

“We scattered the Rebel fleet near the planet Appen but the survivors are nowhere to be found,” Hux informed him as his report drew to a close. “How would you like us to proceed, Supreme Leader?”

Kylo Ren was silent for a few moments as he pondered the report. Then he said “Pull our forces back but leave two ships behind to monitor Appen. If the remaining rebels there regroup and try again, we will send them back and strike them down.”

General Hux’s jaw stiffened. He looked as though he had other ideas for what they should do. To him, Kylo Ren was just too merciful with the Resistance forces. If it were up to him, he would hunt them all down and make sure they were destroyed before moving on.

In the past, he had tried to go against the Supreme Leader’s command but it usually led to physical injury to his person. He had since learned to hold his tongue and give the order. Someday though, he vowed he would get rid of Kylo Ren and put himself in charge. He just had to wait for the right opportunity to do it. Bowing his head, he took his leave and turned to make his escape.

“General Hux,” Kylo Ren called to him as he began to leave the room.

The General froze and turned back around slowly. “Yes, Supreme Leader?”

“Do you know what day it is today?”

It was an odd question to hear coming from Kylo Ren. He shook his head. “No sir, I do not. Should I?”

The Supreme Leader was silent for a moment then replied “No, it’s nothing. You are dismissed, General.”

After Hux’s departure, Kylo turned back to look out the ship’s wide window once more. He thought of Rey again and if she was celebrating the holiday. He wondered if she even knew what it was. Also, if things had turned out differently between them, he wondered what sort of gift he might give her to celebrate it.

*   *   *

“Life Day?” Rey repeated as Finn and Rose stood outside her door, both with enormous smiles on their faces and dressed in rather nice clothing.

“It’s a holiday,” Rose explained. “Haven’t you ever heard of it before?”

“Well yes,” she replied “but I lived on Jakku so no one ever really celebrated it. I’ve never celebrated it either.”

Finn took her by the hand. “Well you’re gonna love this. Leia’s gathered everyone in the main hall and we’ve got food, drinks, music, and games! Come on, Rey, it’ll be fun.”

Rey gently pulled her hand back. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I feel much like celebrating.”

Rose and Finn exchanged worried glances. Since the battle on Crait, Rey had become withdrawn and kept to her quarters on their new base. She barely spoke to anyone, even during meal times and never smiled or laughed anymore. Finn had never asked her what had happened during her time with Luke but from the way things looked now, he guessed it hadn’t gone well.

“Please Rey,” Finn begged. “Will you do this for me? We want to have you there.”

She sighed and tucked a strand of dark hair back behind her ear. “Alright, I suppose I can go for a little while.”

Rey allowed herself to be led by Finn and Rose down the hall of the rebel base to the main hall where they usually had their meals. It had been decorated as best they could under such dire circumstances. As promised, there was food and music and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

Leia accosted Rey and pulled her to the side. She dumped an armload of cloth into her arms and, with a huge smile, pushed her towards the bathroom and told her to get dressed. Confused, Rey did as she was told and made her way into the room.

Upon examining the cloth, she realized it was a shimmering silver dress. Rey had never worn a dress before and she almost took it back to Leia in protest. However, she knew how stubborn Leia could be and that she would only tell her to go right back into the bathroom and put it on. So, feeling a little embarrassed and nervous about the whole evening, Rey took off her clothes and put the dress on.

When she exited the bathroom she was given food and drinks by her friends and pulled over to watch Finn and Poe compete in what Rey supposed was a game. They were dunking their heads into barrels of water and pulling out some sort of fruits Rey had never seen before. It looked so ridiculous that Rey began to laugh with the rest of the crowd.

“Good to see you laughing again Rey,” came Leia’s voice from beside her. “I knew that bobbing for tappas would get everyone’s spirits up. It was an Alderaan favorite for Life Day.”

“Tappas?” Rey repeated, eying the strange red fruits curiously.

“They are a Life Day tradition,” the older woman explained. “You share one with a friend and it will bring you luck through the coming year.”

“Really? I’ll take twelve.”

Leia laughed, put her arm around Rey and gave her a gentle squeeze. “You look beautiful in my dress, by the way.”

Rey started. “This is your dress? But why—?”

“Why you? Because you’re about the same size as I was when I was your age. Besides, I noticed you didn’t have anything nice to wear for today, so I figured I would give you something special.”

“Thank you,” Rey muttered, feeling even more embarrassed. She also felt guilty as she always did around Leia. After all, she had had the chance to save Leia’s son Ben. Even though Ben chose to remain Kylo Ren and not go back with her, she still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was her fault.

Before she could say any more to Leia, a soaking wet Poe and Finn approached Leia to see if she wanted to take a turn at bobbing for tappas. Rey allowed Rose to take her around the hall, explaining all the games and traditions of Life Day. Rey only half-listened, her mind still on Leia and Ben and her heart still heavy with guilt.

“I know you’re hurting, Rey,” Rose said suddenly as they stopped beside the food table. “Whatever happened to you while you were gone must have been really hard.”

“Yeah, it was,” Rey replied. Her heart clenched as she thought of Ben and the last look her gave her before they closed their connection. Even though she had tried hard to forget him, to hate him for turning away from her, she couldn’t. She had held on to the hope that he still could be turned, that he could be saved.

He had hurt her with his rejection though and it was frustrating that she still couldn’t hate him in spite of that. After all, even if Snoke had forged the bond between them it had still happened. And she had enjoyed it somewhat, getting to know him and seeing a kindred spirit in him. She had really hoped that she could bring him back to their side and to his mother Leia. Maybe it still wasn’t too late.

“Finn’s been really worried about you,” Rose continued, shaking her out of her reverie. “He wanted you to have fun today so he could see the old Rey again.”

“He said that?” Rey asked. She looked fondly over at Finn laughing at something with Poe. It hadn’t occurred to her how her preoccupation with what had happened with Ben Solo would affect her friends.

“He really cares about you,” Rose noted. Her tone sounded wistful.

Rey turned back to her with a smile. “Hey, it’s alright. We’re just friends, nothing more. I know you care about him a lot too.”

Rose’s cheeks turned pink. Rey laughed and linked arms with her, leading her back over to Finn. Her friend was right—she needed to have fun today. And she would have fun, she was determined to do so. It was Life Day, and she couldn’t spend the day pining over the past. Today was all about fun, friends, and whatever silly traditions they planned on introducing to her.

*   *   *

After a few hours at the party, Rey felt flushed and decided to get some air. She left the base and went outside. To her delight, it had started to snow large, fluffy flakes that were slowly starting to cover the ground.

This wasn’t like the snow she’d experienced before on Starkiller Base. Where that had been harsh and biting, this snow was gentle. Rey giggled as the fat snowflakes landed on her nose and eyelashes. Closing her eyes, she spun around in a happy circle, enjoying the gentle snowfall and not even noticing the cold.

Then something happened that stopped her. Her eyes shot open when she felt it, the familiar feeling that hadn’t happened to her in months. Slowly, Rey turned around to see if it really was happening again. Sure enough, it was. Her breath caught in her throat and she was positive her heart stopped completely when she saw Kylo Ren standing there staring at her about ten feet away in the snow.

Nothing happened at first. Rey stood there frozen, arms still out from spinning and eyes locked on the young man. He stared back, his expression unreadable. Neither of them moved or said anything. Finally, Rey broke the silence.

“No,” she said in a firm tone. “Not today.”

“Please,” he said to her before she could break the connection. “Let me stay. Just for a little while.”

Rey put her arms down. She stood up straight then fixed him with a cold glare, colder than the air around her. “Why should I? You don’t belong here.”

He didn’t respond for a moment, instead looking down at the ground. Then he looked back up and said “Because it’s Life Day. Tradition says that if you encounter an enemy, your quarrel with them is forgiven for the day.”

Her hands clenched at her sides. “I’m not forgiving you,” she growled. “How can I forgive the man who has murdered so many? How can I forgive you when you abandoned me for the dark side?”

“I know I’ve done terrible things,” he replied in an even voice. “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for what I’ve done to you and your friends. All I ask is that for today, you find it in you to put that aside just for a little while.”

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It angered her, seeing him again. Not only because it had brought her down from the high the party had given her but also because it reopened those wounds she had been trying so hard to close. Kylo Ren was a monster, she knew that. However, Ben Solo was still in there and she still cared about that part of him. He had to be, otherwise why was he even here now?

“Why are you here?” she asked him wearily.

He was silent again. Then he said “I’m tired of the cold.”

Rey gave a short, humorless laugh and held out her arms. “Well, you came to the wrong place to get away from it, that’s for sure.”

“My family—we used to celebrate Life Day,” said Kylo Ren. “I guess—I suppose I wanted someone to celebrate it with again.”

“And you thought I’d welcome you with open arms? What, Stormtroopers too busy killing to share a tappa with you?”

“The First Order doesn’t recognize Life Day. I think about it every year. This year I wanted a change.”

Rey folded her arms across her chest. “So what did you want to happen here then?”

“I just wanted to see you,” he said. After he said it, he looked down as though it was a sentence he had not wanted to say aloud. Regaining his composure, he looked back up “I’ve tried to forget you, Rey. Believe me, I know it would be easier for us both if I did. But I can’t. In spite of everything…I can’t.”

Her heart clenched. There it was again, that glimpse of Ben Solo he had shown her so many times before. Was this really, truly what it was? Or had he figured out how to use that side of him to manipulate her feelings? She just wasn’t sure with him anymore, not that she ever had been sure of anything with him.

Lowering her arms, she asked quietly “What do you want of me, Ben?”

They were both silent then. She hadn’t meant to call him that again. The question and the name hung in the air between them as the snow fell silently around them.

When he spoke, it was the only sound that Rey could hear: “I don’t want to lose you.”

It was like a knife through her heart. Eyes burning, Rey gave him a sad smile and shook her head. “You already lost me.”

“Yet here you are.”

“Yet here I am.” She closed her eyes and a single tear fell down her cheek. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you do this to me?”

He took a few steps closer to her. Rey made no move to back away, instead watching him warily as he approached. His dark eyes on her face, he stared at her with that unreadable expression. Then he said “Do you want me to go and never make the connection again?”

Another tear fell. Rey nodded.

“Very well. Can I give you a gift then since it’s Life Day?”

Wondering what he could possibly give her through the connection, she nodded again.

“My gift to you then is this: There will be an attack tomorrow at the abandoned base on Cronus. The First Order heard a rumor that there are rebels using it as a shelter. If that is true, send word to them and get them out.”

Rey started. She remembered Leia mentioned a close friend of hers leading a group of rebels and that they were stationed on Cronus. The information would surely save their lives.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “I guess—I don’t have anything I can give you in return.”

He gave her a grim smile. “Did you really want to give me anything though?”

She considered him for a few moments. What he had just done, giving her information that would save lives, that had been Ben Solo without a doubt. The light in him was not gone and, as she had hoped, perhaps it meant he could still be turned. Rey took a step closer to him.

“Yes,” she replied. “My gift to you is this: I promise I will not give up on Ben Solo.”

He looked at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“I know you are still in there, Ben,” she went on “and I know you can still come back. So I promise you, I will not give up on hoping you come back to the light.”

“You mean that?” he asked unsteadily.

Rey nodded. “Yes, I do. And maybe it won’t work or maybe we’ll always have to be kept apart from each other. But in my heart, I promise I will never give up hope.”

Without realizing it, the two had drawn closer together. Now they were just a foot apart from one another, Rey gazing up at him and Ben staring down at her. The proximity would have normally caused her to back up. Perhaps it was because it was Life Day or because of what she’d decided but Rey did not move. In fact, she found that she was drawn in even closer.

“I have another Life Day gift for you,” she told him as she did. Before she had time to consider how stupid or wrong it was or how much it would hurt her to think about later, Rey had stood up on her toes and pressed her lips to his.

*   *   *

          It had been a while since Rey had gone outside to get some fresh air. Concerned that something had happened to her while she was out there, Finn decided to go out to check on her. After all, in times like these you couldn’t be too careful.

          He made his way down the corridor to the door Rey had taken to step outside. He was met with a rush of cold, a gentle snowfall, and a sight that made him stop and stare incredulously before him. There, standing amid the falling snow was Rey and Kylo Ren, locked together in what looked to be a very passionate kiss.

          Finn stared for a few moments before looking back behind him to see if anyone else was there who could see what he was seeing too. Upon finding no one, he turned back around only to see Rey standing there, alone in the snow.

          “Um, Rey?” he called to her in confusion, mind still swimming with thoughts of what he may or may not have just witnessed.

          She didn’t turn right away. When she did, he saw that her eyes were red with tears. As he drew closer, he saw that her lips were reddened and moist too. Had she really been kissing Kylo Ren? If so, where had he gone? More importantly, why would she do that?

          “Finn,” she greeted, wiping hastily at her eyes. “Hi. What’s up?”

          “I just wanted to check on you,” Finn said slowly. “Are you—is everything okay?” He wondered if he should confront her about the whole kissing thing. If he had really imagined it, it would be a pretty embarrassing conversation to have.

          “Mm-hm,” she replied. Giving him what he supposed was a reassuring smile, she walked past him and back into the base. “Come on, let’s get back to the party. I haven’t shared a tappa with anyone for good luck yet so we should have one. Also, I need to have a quick talk with Leia.”

          Finn let her go back in without him, telling her he’d just be a minute. Then he made his way over to where Rey had been standing in the snow. His mouth went dry when he saw two sets of footprints there—Rey’s small ones and then another, larger pair.

The prints started a little ways back and stopped right in front of Rey’s. Beyond that, there were none of the bigger ones leading away from that spot. So if Kylo Ren really had been there, where had he gone? Finn looked around but saw nothing. It was a mystery, and one he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to or not. With nothing left to do but shrug and give up his search, he turned and went back to the Life Day party with Rey.

*   *   *

Warm. She had been so warm. Ben Solo touched his lips as he stood back in his quarters on the ship. The warmth from her kiss still clung to him even though it had been several minutes since he broke the connection with her, this time for good like he promised.

Why had she kissed him? It was welcome, yes, but also surprising. She had been so angry with him, telling him she’d never forgive him and confirming that she wanted him to not make the connection again. So why then? Did she even know? He had sensed a lot of conflict in her. Perhaps it was just a moment of weakness on her part then.

He was satisfied though. He had seen Rey, given her a Life Day gift, and said what he needed to say. Her promise and the kiss had been more than he could have ever hoped for when he decided to reach out. Hell, he hadn’t even expected her to keep the connection going long enough for him to get two words in.

Ben smiled. Things with Rey might still be rocky but he held on to her words. She had promised not to give up on him, on the Ben Solo part of him. Even though he had tried to bury it, she was still hoping he’d return. He found it endearing in spite of himself. And who knew? Maybe someday he could still come back.

Then there was the kiss. It had been a good one. Her lips were something he knew he’d have a much harder time forgetting, if he even wanted to forget them. It was a shame he had to keep the connection closed from now on. The kiss left him wanting more.

He laid down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Life was strange. The Force was strange. Everything that had happened that day was a jumbled mess. Still, for the first time in he couldn’t remember how long, Ben Solo felt warm.


End file.
